Here we are again. Another day one of another diet in another year of me trying to get healthy. I genuinely hate this. I hate that I’ve given up so many times. I feel like I’ve had no accountability. I have gained even more weight than from my last day one.

I’m not one to spout nonsense about “New Year, New Me,” but damn it, I hope this year WILL see a new me. Because the old me is a lazy, overweight excuse-maker who NEEDS to get with the program.

So here we go again, eh?

I know gimmicks are bad, but I will admit that I’m starting anew with a program. I ordered a month’s worth of WonderSlim, and I’m hoping it will be the kick start I need to get this show on the road. Seven meals a day (all provided) which are low cal and actually quite tasty. It could be a LOT worse, lemme tell ya.

I also am going to be starting on the pill, Alli, in a few days. Once I’ve got through the hardest part of the diet, I’ll incorporate it into my regime. It says that for every five pounds you lose through diet and exercise alone, Alli will help you lose 3-4 more. Sounds good to me!

My ultimate goal is to lose between 40 – 60 lbs. At my last weigh in, I was 194.4. Not good. I’d LOVE to be in the 130s, but I don’t know how realistic it is. If I could get to the 150s, I’d be happy. But I want to push myself as much as I can and get the ultimate result I desire. Hell, if I can lose 40 lbs on my own, why not 60?? I can DO it!

I’ve also bought myself a fitspiration diary. It’s just a thing I picked up at Walgreens, and it is a way of keeping track of my goals. It’s also going to help me keep positive in those moments where I’m sorely lacking in positivity!

I am determined that this will be my LAST first day.

Here we go.

This past weekend in Salt Lake City, I grabbed my hubby and some friends, and we headed over to the State Fairgrounds to run the Color Me Rad 5k. Given that I’m the absolute least fit person in our entire social circle, I was sort of dreading the experience. I can’t run very far or very fast, and I am totally out of breath within a minute. I knew it was going to be difficult for me. Add on to this the fact that we’ve had mega rain lately, and I was nursing two pretty bad injuries to my feet (my heels were cracked and bleeding and in a LOT of pain), and you can probably figure out that this wasn’t going to be an amazing race.

BUT. And here is the big big but (big butt?), I did it anyway. I showed up, I kept a smile on my face, and I RAN. Well, I ran a little. In truth, I walked for nearly all of it.

I had my most awesome husband with me, supporting me all the way. He is my greatest cheerleader in all things, and even though he is super fit and totally could have run the whole thing in a quarter of the time, he stayed with me and went at my pace. I mean, in truth is IS a “fun run.” It is meant to be enjoyed. If you’re not familiar, Color Me Rad is basically a 5k where you get craploads of colored chalk thrown on you. You’re supposed to wear white so all the colors show up and look awesome, but I own nothing white. So we went for black. It worked!

The weather being so gloomy was a big problem. Most of the course was mud and puddles, so nearly everyone was walking or doing a slow jog so they wouldn’t slip and fall. Plus, they hadn’t organized very well, and areas of the course were VERY narrow, and many folks were walking in groups, so they were hard for runners to get by.

Every time I got my breath back and wanted to run, it seemed there was a puddle, mud or people in my way! But I did my best. By the end of the course I was in a LOT of pain, since my feet were in such a bad state, so I was limping quite slowly. But it wasn’t like I was trying to beat my time or anything. In fact, I have no idea how long it took us to run the race. I don’t think they even kept track of anyone.

I did manage to run through the finish line, though, just in time to meet up with all of our friends, who had finished LONG before we did. I didn’t care. I was proud of myself for making it.

I did it. I ran a 5k, and it didn’t kill me. I got up early on a Saturday morning, when I’d much rather have been sleeping, and I worked through wind and rain and crowds of people (all my least favorite things!) and did exercise. My hubby said I did better than he thought I would have. To be truthful, I did much better than I thought I would have.

I’ve signed up for another 5k in July. It’s the “Fro Yo 5k” which is another “fun run,” and it’s just down the street at my local park. I get frozen yogurt for doing it. How bad can that be?!

Seeing myself in the photos and feeling how my body ached and how winded I got from the whole race was hard. I am heavier than I’ve been in years, and I am more out of shape than I’ve EVER been. Even when I weighed 260 lbs, I was never this lazy.

This weekend was the start of a new era. I have vowed to go all out to get my weight back down, my fitness levels up, and my energy through the roof.  I am hopeful that next year when I sign up for Color Me Rad, I will see a HUGE improvement in my own attitude, my looks and my abilities. Look out world! Nothing can stop me now!

So according to an online clothing size converter, my current UK size 12 means that I’m a size 10 US. That said, I’m pretty sure that in certain clothing stores, I could fit into a US size 8. This is pretty damn cool, I think! In a couple of weeks I’ll be celebrating my one year “surgiversary,” which is big news! But with being this far out of the process, it strikes me how much more slowly I’m losing weight lately.

Of course, it might have something to do with the ridiculous amount of calories I’m eating these days. From the time I started my new job back in March, it has been constant temptation. Colleagues bring in cookies, brownies, candies and soda. Our receptionist makes daily afternoon trips to the grocery store, taking orders and baiting people into letting her buy them chocolate and caffeine! And several co-workers will pop into Southampton or Winchester at lunch and bring back Subway or other such takeaway fare. It is EVERYWHERE.

But of course, at the end of the day, it is all down to the personal choices I make. I’m the one who eats the cookies, orders up a full size Yorkie bar and submits to the will of Dr Pepper. I could (and should!) just say no. Perhaps if I was still overweight, I even WOULD say no. But the truth is that getting so close to my goal weight has made me lazy and stupid. Sure I still have 20 pounds to lose before I even approach happiness. But the reality of the situation is that I actually am quite a normal weight these days. And I’m not even the biggest girl in the room anymore.

Knowing this has given me not only feelings of power and excitement… but it’s also given me an excuse to let loose on the junk food. *sigh*

I do have a solution, though. Having seen things like the 5 day Pouch Test online, I realised that I really do need to get my eating under control. And since the one and only time in my life I was able to do that was after my surgery, I have decided to take away the option of food for a while and once again go liquid only before slowly reintroducing “good” food.

For the next two weeks, I’ll be partaking of Slim Fast shakes as my sole sustenance. I will be adding a bit of protein powder into them to give me a bit of extra oomph, but mostly it is going to be me and four shakes a day. After a few days, I will be introducing some of the Slim Fast bars, just so I have something to chew! And I’ve got some frozen fruit that I am going to make into fruit smoothies after a while. Just to keep things interesting!

Now I know that doing this may make me a bit of a saddo, and I may even be judged by my WLS peers. I don’t want to fall into gimmicky diets again, yo-yoing around like so many times before. That said, I need to do SOMETHING. I had this life-changing surgery nearly a year ago, and I feel right now as though I’m wasting it.

Luckily for me, I haven’t put on more weight. I’ve been fairly stable at 165 lbs for several weeks. But I want MORE for myself.

To that end, I’ve rejoined the gym. The first week I went whole-hog, and I was quite pleased. Then I decided to start using their tanning beds, and I wound up with a terrible sunburn which put me out of commission. Once that went away, I took my very first Body Balance class (yoga, pilates and tai chi, all mixed together for one amazing workout!) which DECIMATED me. I was sore for a week! And then I got lazy. Got stressed. Got bored.

But today, after deciding NOT to go to the gym, but instead to enjoy the rest of my weekend in peace, I suddenly realised that I WANTED to go. So I grabbed my sick husband (poor darling has a terrible cold) and forced him to drive me to the gym, where both of us did a nice workout.  And you know what?

I FEEL GREAT!

I did the Power Plates! I used SEVERAL resistance machines. I went on the cross trainer. And the most amazing thing of all…. I RAN! I ran for 5 minutes on the treadmill. Sure it’s not much, but it’s the first time EVER that I’ve tried running at the gym. In the past, I would be far too scared. Granted, at one point I nearly fell over, which my husband thought was hilarious from his vantage point on an exercise bike in front of me. But still… I ran. Proper running. 8 miles per hour! And when I thought I couldn’t take any more, I slowed down. But once my heart rate returned to normal, I once again ran!

I can’t tell you how exciting it is when you realise for the first time what it is to truly PUSH yourself. It is an amazing feeling that I can’t describe.

After my workout, I was in the hallway awaiting my husband to finish. I was in my skimpy little workout outfit, covered in sweat and beet red, huffing and puffing. I was staring through a window into the swimming pool, when I noticed a reflection behind me. One of the fitness instructors was walking behind me, and he totally checked me out!!! *swoon*

This has been happening a lot lately. I’ve noticed men looking at me and smiling or even coming over to talk. I was told on Friday that two of my colleagues have crushes on me! I actually feel attractive. It’s something I never thought to feel again.

I’m growing in confidence, but unless I want to start growing wide again, I need to get my life under control. No more giving in to cravings. No more slacking on exercise. No more making excuses.

My life is my own, and I have to own my actions.

I’ll let you all know how it goes!

I have so much in my head that I’ve not got out in this blog. I take pictures I want to post, I have started new exercise programs I want to talk about, and I even have failures I want to describe and confess to!

But for some odd reason, I’ve been blinkered when it comes to this site. Part of it is that my job is 45 minutes away, and so with being away hours a day, plus travel each way, plus going to the gym after work, plus cooking dinner and spending time with my husband… I just have no desire to be online, even if it would do me a world of good!

The other part is sillier but nevertheless a problem. Recently my sister-in-law’s boyfriend gave me a free Blackberry. This is GREAT news, as it is so convenient. I can check my mail, update facebook and twitter, and use it as a PDA. But while this has made my life much easier, it’s also meant that there’s very little need to go and get on my laptop. And without the laptop, I don’t update this site!

So I’ve realised I’m simply going to have to make more time for updating. There’s a lot going on that needs blogged about, and all of the work I’ve been putting in to my health and wellness is going to go unnoticed if I don’t.

So to make a long story short – I’ve fallen off the wagon BIG time where food is concerned. Cookies, chocolates, candy, Dr Pepper, milky teas and coffees full of sugar…. I don’t know where it all came from, but I’ve certainly been indulging myself, and I regret it pretty immediately.

But as previously mentioned, I’ve ALSO joined a gym. And while it’s taking time to build up a routine, I was very excited on Tuesday when I took my first class!

It is called Body Balance, and it’s a mixture of yoga, pilates and Tai Chi. No equipment is used other than our bodies, and the instructor was a real hippy lady. I was the only newbie there, but I didn’t mind. I did every single pose put to us, including the “advanced” ones. I may not have done them perfectly, but I gave them a try at the least. Since then, I’ve been sore in places I didn’t even know existed! My stomach and core are in agony, and it feels great! Knowing that I’ve got a genuinely GOOD workout was just amazing. I can’t wait to take another class, which will be tomorrow morning. 🙂 It’s a different instructor, but I am still thinking it’ll be great.

Rather annoyingly, I’m feeling slightly ugly at the moment due to my own stupidity. I decided that I was tired of being pasty white and looking like a ghost, so I thought I’d use the tanning facilities at the gym. I know it’s not the most healthy option, but fake tan doesn’t work on me since I have severely dry skin, and even the lotions with touch of fake tan looks hideous and streaky on me.

So I was told to start with 3 minutes for a while and then build up to more. After my first session, I didn’t notice any chance, so I went for 6 minutes the next time. HOLY SUNBURN, BATMAN!

My skin was lobster red, and I couldn’t sleep on it for three days! Over the next week, it became incredibly itchy and uncomfortable. And in the last three days, it’s begun to flake off in terrible ways. Obviously I’ve stopped tanning for now so as not to make it worse, and I’ve been using exfoliators and tons of aloe vera gel in the hope of making it better.

While this hasn’t put me off tanning (maybe I’m a glutton for punishment?), it has DEFINITELY made me take heed of the build up slowly mantra. 😉

Other than that, I’m very pleased with my body at the moment. Certainly there have been some changes lately – some for the better and some for the worse. Weight loss has stabilised in the mid-160s, but I’ve got a lot more saggy skin on my stomach and inner thighs than I have had. I’m not sure if this is because my body is losing fat or because my terrible diet of late is actually putting fat on! It’s a hard one! BUT – my legs are becoming more shapely. I’m seeing defined muscle tone in my calves, thighs and knees, as well as in my biceps and triceps. It’s nice to feel like exercise is giving me some positive changes.

The biggest thing right now is my mentality. My husband has gone on a weekend stag party for his best friend, and both of us have agreed that on Monday we are going to get our acts together and REALLY go for clean living. This means NO junk food, NO fizzy liquids and LOTS of exercise. And both of us are really looking forward to it.

However, I have three days between now and then, and the urge is to indulge in that fabled last supper syndrome. Oh noes! I’ve bought cookies, crisps, soda, chocolate eclairs and a pizza in anticipation of having one wild weekend before giving it all up again. But I KNOW this is a bad idea. I KNOW I shouldn’t do this, as I’ve done it a MILLION times before… when I was FAT.

But I tell myself that if I can just get all the junk out of my system once and for all, I’ll be happy. Even though I know this isn’t true.

*sigh*

See – I knew I should be updating more often. If I did then maybe someone would help me save me from myself!

For now, I have some thinking to do.

I am sitting at my desk at work right now, in severe discomfort and feeling like a prize turkey. After dealing with being diagnosed as diabetic, only to have that reversed recently and told that I have reactive hypoglycaemia, one would think that I would be smarter about the levels of sugar and carbs I put in my body.

But the half eaten packet of Gum Drops and the taffy wrappers that litter my work space are clear proof that I do not take proper care of myself. Sure there’s the small lunch I had of three cheddar crackers with mushy egg yolk piled on. A lunch to be proud of, I’d think, as it’s chock full of protein but balanced as far as nutrients.  But this does not eradicate the excessive sugar consumption of my morning.

Because I am on a high dose of Metformin (1500 mg per day), I often use this as an excuse for an ability to digest higher quantities of sugar than I might otherwise be allowed.

In truth, it is all bollocks.

I am a disgrace to myself, and it kills me to know how low I constantly let myself fall.

Right now I am experiencing that particular brand of punishment that comes to the WLS survivor that has overindulged. I’ve suddenly been overcome by a wave of nausea, dizziness, EXTREME fatigue, and a running (in truth, SPRINTING) nose!  As a VSG patient, I’m assured that dumping syndrome is not probable. But this is as close as I get.

I’ve only experienced this horrific feeling twice before, both times from overindulging in the same sort of behaviour. You’d think I’d learn. Sadly I have not begun to get it under control, and I fear for what may happen down the road if I do not. My weight is stable at 168 lbs, down 90 pounds from my highest weight.

But to be happy, I still have another 30 lbs to go, which is not likely to happen if I don’t curb my appetite for the poisons of candy and ice cream!

For now I can merely hope that this is another lesson learned. I’ve already given my gum drops to the pregnant girl across from me, and the painful stomach cramps are subsiding to be replaced with a genuine thirst the likes of which I’ve not experienced in years.

I know that the rest of my afternoon will be difficult with trying to stay awake and not to vomit in my bin. I am certain to run to the toilet several times in the next two hours, and I can only hope I don’t get a reputation as the lazy girl who is always in the loo.

Wake up, Katie. You will no longer be The Incredible Shrinking Me if this behaviour does not STOP. You had surgery for a reason. You are easily tempted and the only way to stop is to STOP. For good this time.

Do not disappoint me.